MAKING A COMEBACK
I wish I could emphasize how monumental this moment was for me. After my accident, I was still holding on to the hope that I would someday be hiking 4,000 footers again even with the chronic pain. Then after a couple bad back sprains and a warning from the doctor, I had lost that hope completely. I had already given up running and now this.
Last year things started to get worse. I found out I was experiencing PTSD with severe depression. As someone who’s prided myself on not being emotional, which in retrospect I’ve learned that suppression is not healthy, this has been the hardest part of my recovery. To put it in perspective, I would rather feel the physical pain of surgery again than have to endure this emotional and mental torment. Needless to say, it’s something I’m still working through.
Fast forward through the rollercoaster months of isolation and emotions and then COVID-19...
When we decided to go to NH for our anniversary, I was excited because that’s always been our tradition. But even so, I still had a lot of anxiety. I longed to be hiking the 4,000 footers. I feared I would feel like a failure if I didn’t try to hike a major peak. But then if I tried and couldn’t do it, I would still feel like a failure. I also knew there was a very real possibility I would “go hard” and injure myself. But my husband.. that poor man who’s had front row seats to what I call the “sh** show”, has been my biggest supporter in all of this. He reassured me there’s no shame in turning back, but you won’t know if you can make it until you try.
I have no words for the feelings I felt when I reached that summit. It was combination of joy, ecstasy, gratitude, contentment, empowerment, closure, reclamation. As if a familiar part of myself finally came back to the empty shell I’ve been living in. I was hopeful. I would have stayed up there forever if I could. It was the happiest I’ve felt in a long time, all because of a hike.
If there’s anything to take away from reading this, it’s that mental health is invaluable and worth talking about. Those goals or dreams you’re passionate about, don’t give up on them yet. And lastly, get outside more.
